


Read This Book

by CMBowles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Books, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 09:36:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8008378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CMBowles/pseuds/CMBowles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel was headed home to commit suicide when he ran into one Dean Winchester. If someone would have told Castiel that a book would save his life, he would never have believed him. But that is exactly what happened.</p>
<p>Written for World Suicide Prevention Day 2016</p>
            </blockquote>





	Read This Book

**Author's Note:**

> When I was Castiel's age (15) I contemplated suicide. But I had a best friend that wouldn't let me give up. This week, when things looked really bleak my friend was there for me to talk to. Along with the recommendation for a book series she fell in love with. I am starting book 3 of the Lunar Chronicles tomorrow because it is an amazing series and I am so glad that she bugged me to read it. Her and her pestering and incredible friendship inspired this story today, on World Suicide Prevention Day (Sep. 10th, 2016). 
> 
> So have a story about hope, friendship, living. And I hope that you know that you are enough, that you matter to someone, and that if things get too rough, though you do not know me, you can always message me to talk. #IKeptLiving #AlwaysKeepFighitng

Castiel walked quickly, his eyes focused only on the ground right in front of his feet as his mind wondered, calculating the time he had until someone in his family made ti home and listing everything he needed to do in that time. He was just about to repeat the last thing on his list to himself, maybe to check his determination on the item, when he collided with someone else.

"Ow. Jeeze, I'm sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going." The other person sounded breathless as he scrambled up onto his feet but bent to help gather the books Castiel had been carrying.

"It's ok, neither was I really." Castiel spoke softly as he adjusted his heavy backpack and reached out to pick up the last book on the ground just as the other boy did.

"Oh hey, _Slaughter House Five_ , this is a great book. Reading it for class?" Slowly the boy handed over the stack of books he had gathered, the novel in question resting on top.

"Yeah." Castiel nodded jerkily, finally looking up and nearly dropped his books once more as he recognized Dean Winchester. He couldn't make any more words come out as he dropped his eyes and shifted the stack in his arms nervously. "Um, yeah, for class." Nearly whispering the words, he fidgeted again as he snuck a glance up to see Dean smiling calmly at him.

"Well, it's a really cool book. Or I think so." Dean shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"I'm sure it is." Castiel mumbled, wishing he had the ability to talk as easily as Dean.

"Hey, um, you're Castiel, right? That's your name?" Another mess of a nod. "Yeah, so let me know what you think of the book. On Monday?"

"Oh." Castiel jerked his head up, eyes wide as his mind repeated that item on his to-do list. "Well, I . . .um. . . I won't. . ." He stumbled over his words, unsure of what excuse he could possibly use.

"It's a good book, real easy to finish over the weekend. I'm sure you'll be done by Monday. Come on, it'll be nice to talk about it with someone that actually reads." Castiel frowned in confusion and Dean rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "I, uh, always see you with a new book in homeroom. You like to read." Dean shrugged, his rambling giving Castiel the time to get over his shock at the fact that anyone had noticed him in homeroom, let alone Dean Winchester. Dean wasn't popular, per se, but he had a small group of friends he could always be seen hanging out and laughing with. "So, yeah. Read the book and I'll see you in homeroom Monday, and you can tell me what you thought of it."

"O-Okay." Castiel nodded dumbly. Dean wanted to talk to him about a book and the look he was giving Castiel made it really difficult to turn him down.

"Cool." Dean grinned and finally made to move around Castiel. "I'll see you, then. Have a good weekend, Castiel."

"You too, Dean." Castiel mumbled as he watched the other boy leave. When he was finally able to pull himself together he left the school and headed home with a mind stunned silent. 

He let himself into the silent house, depositing his books in his room, and he got to work on his chores. No homework, he had made sure of that before he left school. He had been meaning to drop his books off at the office on his way out of the school, but bumping into Dean had changed that plan. He would need the books Monday now, anyway.

Just as he had planned, he finished cleaning the house, tidying his room with plenty of time before his parents or brother would get home. The silence was loud, pressing in on him as he sat down on his bed. Reaching for the top drawer of his desk, Castiel's eyes fell on the novel sitting atop the stack on his desk and his hand changed course. He remembered Dean's smile as he shifted back on his bed to open the book and began reading. He did not kill himself.

 

"Your locker is so clean." Dean's voice right behind him caused Castiel to jump, the book in his hand hitting the door of the locker before falling to the ground. "If you didn't like the book, you could just say so. You don't have to keep throwing it on the ground." Dean joked as he bent down and picked up _Slaughter House Five_.

"I didn't mean. . . You startled me." Castiel leaned on the locker next to his, trying to calm his nerved as Dean held out the book.

"Sorry. I was going to wait for you in class but as I was walking by I noticed your locker." Dean waved at the nearly empty metal container. "I've never seen someone keep their locker that neat past the second week of school."

"Oh, well, I cleaned it recently." Castiel quickly shut the door and began moving to their homeroom class.

"So, what _did_ you think of the book?"

"You were right, it was good. I liked it." Castiel nodded and took his usual seat. To his surprise Dean sat in the desk right behind him instead of his normal spot a few rows over and back.

"I knew you would. I don't think enough people give the classics a chance. They think they won't like it, won't get it, but the story still applies. Ya' know?"

"Yeah. That's what classics are about being, timeless."

"Right." Dean leaned forward, but before he could say anything more his friend Charlie was dropping down into the desk next to him.

"We moved seats?" She directed the question at Dean but offered Castiel a smile before leaning down to dig through her bag.

"Yeah, Cas here likes books, actually liked Vonnegut. Thought it would be nice to talk to someone with taste for once." Dean smirked, trying to throw a wink at Castiel but the other boy shyly dropped his gaze too quickly.

"Hey, I have good taste." Charlie slugged Dean on the arm. 

"In fantasy. If it doesn't have mythical creatures or sword fights you don't give it a chance." The teacher walked into the classroom before Charlie could respond, instead the girl stuck her tongue out at her friend before turning to face the front. At Dean's soft chuckle, Castiel glanced at him and found the other boy staring at him. With a shy smile Castiel shrunk into his desk and turned to face forward.

"Ok, so next you've got to read _Cat's Cradle_." Dean said as soon as the bell rang. Already he had dug through his backpack and pulled out a worn copy of the book he was suggesting. 

"Oh. But. . ." Castiel shook his head, once more wanting to refuse Dean for a reason that was only glaringly obvious to himself.

"Come on, man. No one else likes Vonnegut. I'd love to have someone to talk to about him." Dean gave him a pleading look and Castiel felt his will giving way.

"Why me?"

"What?"

"Why do you want to talk books with me? You've got friends. Surely one of them would be willing to discuss reading lists. Or you could find a book club or something. Why talk to someone you've never even said hello to?" Castiel was shocked by his own lengthy speech, but he had reached a point where he was ok with being alone. He needed to be alone to do what he planned.

"I don't know. 'Cause the few times you've spoke up in class you sound like you know what you're talking about. And you're always reading. And I saw you had the other one on Friday. . ." Dean's voice trailed off as he watched the other students filter out of the classroom. "I just thought. . ." He shrugged. Castiel sighed and took the book that was now at Dean's hip where his hand had fallen.

"Fine." Castiel flipped though the book, estimating how long the book would take, when he would be able to follow through with his plans.

"Awesome." Dean grinned and finally took a step toward the door. "I'll see you tomorrow, Cas." And with a small wave he was gone.

 

Castiel finished the book Tuesday evening, and he had to wait until homeroom Wednesday to tell Dean that he enjoyed the book. It wasn't too inconvenient since Gabriel came home early on Tuesdays. He wouldn't do anything while someone was home anyway. 

 

"Ok, have you read _The Road_? Cormac McCarthy?" Dean chuckled as he shook his head and held out another battered paperback. "With all the books you read it's amazing that you haven't read these. Here." He thrust out the book further until it was finally taken by a slightly irritated Castiel.

"I'm more shocked by the fact that you've read all these. Not that you're stupid, Dean." Castiel hurriedly amended at the small frown on Dean's lips. "Just that you don't seem the type to like these." He shrugged, really hoping Dean didn't ask him to elaborate.

"Well there's a lot about me that people don't know, Cas." Dean lifted one shoulder and slipped a thumb under the strap of his bag. "Read it. Let me know what you think."

On Friday Castiel stayed after school to get some research books for the project he had previously had no intention of doing. The books were shoved into his backpack next to the copy of _World War Z_ Dean had surprised him with in class.

"Nothing like the movie, man. Which you should watch, too, if you haven't. Tell me what you think."

 

Charlie handed him a book at the lunch table, _A Knight of the Word_. Castiel had approached to give Dean back his book and had been tugged into a seat as not only Dean but his friend Ash asked what he thought of it. Suddenly he had a standing invitation that he told himself would only be until the end of the week when he would hand in his project.

"I begged Dean to let me pick next. You've been pushed to post-apocalypse and this isn't exactly that, but I thought I saw you reading something similar last year." She shrugged and pointed at it. "Let me know, even Dean liked that trilogy."

Castiel looked down at the novel, knowing a trilogy would move back his plans even further. Looking up at the small smile the girl gave him, it was the first time he wasn't upset about that fact.

"Ok." He nodded and tucked the book into his bag as he pulled out his lunch.

 

"No way, Charlie. You can't make him read _all_ of them. There's like thirty books in that series. It'll take him the rest of the school year." Dean complained as Charlie waved a fourth novel in front of Castiel. He suspected that she had chosen this series because it slowly worked toward fantasy. He knew she really wanted to hand him _The Hobbit_.

"So. We're sophomores Dean. It's not like we won't see him next year." Charlie pursed her lips only briefly before rolling her eyes. 

A small voice in the back of his head reminded Castiel that the plan had been to never see any of them again weeks ago. It was a voice that was very slowly getting the smallest bit softer with each new book pushed his way. He smiled shyly as Dean pouted.

"But vampires. And Lincoln." He pushed the book a half inch.

Biting his lip, Castiel quickly reached across the table and picked up the boy's book. The smile that lit up Dean's face damn near shut the voice up. Trying to remember how to breath, Castiel took the book from Charlie's sagging hand as well.

"it's a three day weekend and I did all my homework. These'll keep me busy."

"Awesome." Dean nodded and picked up the burger on his plate.

 

"Jeeze Novak. You're such a loser. Always with a new book." The book was jerked out of his grasp as he was shoved into the lockers he was passing. "Do you do anything besides read?" Gordon Walker reached out for the book one of his cronies had stolen from Castiel.

"Of course not, it's not like he had any friends to hang out with." The group laughed.

Castiel wanted to protest. He wanted to say he had a group of friends, people he talked and laughed with. But that doubt in the back of his mind shut him up. They weren't really friends, more like an awkward book club. They didn't talk to him outside school, or homeroom and lunch actually. He was still alone.

"You're so lame, Novak." Gordon tolled his eyes before dropping the book in a trash can conveniently close by.

"Hey asshole, that was my book!" Dean's voice shocked everyone, especially Castiel.

"Winchester. Should have known you would stand up for this nerd." Gordon sneered.

"Lay off Gordon." Dean pushed the bully. Gordon's back making contact with the same locker Castiel had just hit moments before. "I'd suggest that you pick on someone with your IQ, but it's not nice to pick on babies." The smirk Dean flashed stayed in place as he dodged the fist Gordon threw his way.

"You little. . ." Gordon's insult was cut short as Dean hit him square in the face.

"What's going on here!" Everyone froze as the Principle stepped into view. "Winchester. Walker. My office, now."

Dean nodded but stepped to the trash can and lifted out the hardback book. Looking it over he heaved a sigh before pulling off the dust jacket and dropping it back in the can. He handed the book back to Castiel as he headed for the office.

"I'm so sorry, Dean." Castiel pleaded as he walked next tot he other boy.

"Hey, it ain't your fault man." Dean patted him on the shoulder. "Gordon's just a dick. Ignore him."

"Winchester, let's go." The Principle and Gordon had already reached the office. "Novak, get to class."

"Talk to you later, Cas." Dean winked and stepped into the office, the door closing swiftly behind him.

 

"Dean got suspended." Charlie said as she sat down next to Castiel three days later. He already knew, word traveled fast, and he had spent the whole weekend blaming himself. He had also spent a lot of time staring at the top drawer of his desk.

"It's my fault." He sank further into his chair.

"No, it's Gordon's fault. This isn't the first time they've gotten into a fight, sure won't be the last. Dean doesn't like people messing with his friends." Charlie was busy digging in her bag so she didn't see the shocked look Castiel shot her at the term.

"Anyway, he wanted me to give you this." She held out yet another book. "And this." Dropping a folded note on top, she placed both on Castiel's desk with a smile. "Did you read my book?"

Apparently Dean didn't need to be there for the others to talk to Castiel. He spent the week sitting next to Charlie in homeroom, having lunch with Dean's friends, and texting Dean when he could. Because the note had included the other boy's number and address with an invitation to movie night on Friday. His parents were surprised by the request to go on Friday, but eagerly agreed to drop him off. The first thing Dean showed him when he arrived was the bookshelves filled to overflowing in the living room. The next was his parents and brother to whom he introduced him as his "good friend" making Castiel smile wide. By the time the others in their group showed up Castiel was beginning to feel comfortable under the title of friend.

 

"Here you go. Read it and tell me what you think." Castiel said as he sat down in the chair across from Dean.

"It's finished?" Dean grinned as he pushed one of the cups of coffee toward his friend, making room for the manuscript he now placed on the table before him. 

Taking a sip of his coffee, Castiel nodded as he swallowed. "Sometime after one. I hit print and fell asleep." He took another drink as watched Dean flip through the pages. 

"Wow. I can't believe you're finally done with it." Castiel waited as Dean let the pages fan down. He knew the moment that Dean saw the dedication page, the other man's eyes widening as he took in the words. 

_**For Dean who saved my life with a book.** _

Castiel had typed it up before he had written a single word for the book his friend now held. From the moment he decided to sit down and write his first book he had known that he owed it all to Dean. 

Years ago he had told Dean the truth of that day, that he had cleaned out his locker, had intended to turn in all his text books, planned to clean the house for his family, and then would have gone to his room and killed himself. It was the a month before their high school graduation, the stress had been high, he was spiraling downward once more. Only this time he had a close friend he could turn to. Dean had made his own confession, shocking Castiel into a very long silence. Dean had watch Castiel for a while, wanting to reach out a friendly hand to the quiet boy, but had held back in doubt. Until he had seen Castiel cleaning out his locker and heading to the office to drop off his text books. Worry had spurned him into action and he had grabbed at the first thing he could think of to get Castiel to talk. Sitting next to Castiel on the floor of his bedroom, Dean held out a new book, offering it to his friend. 

"Read this one, tell me what you think when you finish." The words were a beacon in the dark Castiel had felt himself slipping into. Most people wouldn't think a book was a valid reason to keep living, but for Castiel it wasn't just the book, it was the look of hope Dean had shot him that first time. Almost like Castiel was saving Dean by reading that book and talking to him. 

Now, sitting across from his friend in a cafe on a Saturday morning, watching as Dean blinked back a few tears he would never have owned up to, Castiel thought that maybe they had saved each other.

"I bet it's going to be great. A classic." Dean smiled up at him as Castiel chuckled softly.

"We'll see about that. I have to get it published first." Castiel took a drink of his coffee. "Who knows, though, maybe some day it could help some lost kid find his way." He looked down at the small scratch he was rubbing into the tabletop with his thumb nail.

"Yeah." Dean's voice was so sure, it had Castiel looking back up. "Yeah, I think some day it could."

Castiel felt warm at the smile his friend shot him, a familiar feeling now. It still struck him as weird some days, knowing that he had friends he could turn to when things got tough. But years of slowly growing used to it was making it easier. He had been giving a reason to keep living, a few times over, and now he was trying to turn it into something more. The smile that was slowly lighting up Dean's face as he read over the opening of the book told him that maybe he was on the right track.

**Author's Note:**

> It's not my usual, particularly because it only ends in friendship between the boys, but it was a story I felt needed to get out and maybe someone would get something from it. I hope you enjoyed it anyway and it wasn't as disjointed as I felt it was as I typed up the last of it. 
> 
> And hey, if you have a book you think I just have to read, let me know. All the ones listed in this story are great, I've read and enjoyed each and every one of them. And I am always looking for something more to read!


End file.
